This is My Desire

Can I just say, I miss Chick-Fil-A. much. A week and a half into living in New York City is about a week and a half too late to be trying to start a blog about it but I will try my best to recap what's going on in my life up here for anyone who cares. God has brought me here. Evident through answered prayer requests more so than actual situations so far. My sight is learning to be blinded in trust to what God is doing. I’m getting to the point where I’d rather be closing my eyes and hanging on instead of trying to figure out what He’s doing. Guys, I serve a faithful God! I feel like I'm learning that inside out so far this summer. God's showing me things about myself that I really need to surrender and allow Him to continue to change in me. I am so blessed to have Mary with me, I totally was not expecting her to actually come but God saw fit to allow her to be up here so far. I'm so thankful, God knew that I would need the help and encouragement and I am excited to see how He’s going to work in her life this summer! It’s different trying to live with someone, so far we haven’t killed each other. The city is expectantly very different from home. It's also a completely different world to actually try to live here rather than just visiting. And I have never in my life seen time literally fly, it’s crazy how fast the days go by here for real!

Everything seems to be working out...just in weird ways that I would have either never had thought would happen or just I knew with God they would happen, but it's just not happening how I thought it would, or in my timing. I'm being shown over and over that God's way and His timing is way better than mine. I'm also realizing how weak I am on my own and I simply can’t have control over situations, I need God. Not myself, and not anyone else. I am so limited on my own.

Things have seemed to be tough, and not working out, but then we see specific answers to prayer, and it encourages us to keep going. We were praying that we would be able to both get a job in one week, at nothing less than $10 an hour, and at the same place. Six days after we got here I was hired at Ann Taylor Loft right smack in the middle of the city, one block from times square, and one block from 5th avenue--the next day, exactly ONE WEEK after getting here, Mary was given a job at the exact same store. We were both hired at $10 an hour--starting pay. It sounds like I made the criteria up after I got the answer to prayer because it was so exact. Isn't God cool? Like that's just one example of answers to prayer. He's doing crazy things but I can definitely tell Satan's at work too. He's out to discourage and to deceive our efforts. The big thing right now we're struggling with is money and a place to stay, but I know that God will provide. I feel like I should stop saying “if God wants us here then..” because He’s already been blowing my mind with what He’s already given me. I don’t need to be testing Him like ‘God, I’m not sure if you want me here yet…can you just show me this to let me know if you want me here…’ I am a stupid sheep and I want reassurance that I shouldn’t stick with the "comfortable" pasture rather than going to the one where He is leading me into, but He is a faithful shepherd and I know that we are in His hands and I can trust Him with every aspect of my life.

It’s been crucial for me to remember to take a step back and look at what God is doing and has already done and not focus on the current problems that seem to so easily discourage me. I am praying specifically for a good place to stay right now. We’re really looking for something small and with a kitchen so that we can cut back on our food expenses by cooking. Groceries here surprisingly are about the same as back home-the only difference is my parents usually buy the groceries :) so it will still be something to get used to.

To be honest, it’s not comfortable here right now. It’s hard because we don’t have a set schedule because we are with the pastor and his wife. I think it will be better when we get our own place. We are waiting to see what God will work out :).

At times I feel crazy for moving here, and I can get discouraged but then I have to remember that God is providing and worrying is futile. I have big dreams for this city. I am so excited to see how God is going to use me. After the first full day I was here I went up to my bed and sat there listening to “My Desire” by Jeremy Camp. This is my heart and my prayer

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the King

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind

You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the King

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by You

You want to be real, you want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel You near
And I know my life is to do Your will
It's to do Your will

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used by You
This is my desire, this is my desire
To be used by You

All my life I have seen
Where You've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can do to repay all You've done
So I give my hands to use

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used by You

This is my desire, this is my desire
To be used by You

Reality hit and I started crying and praying. I knew it would be hard, I knew that I would have to have a certain level of trust and patience than I had ever experienced before. This was crazy, this was a dream and a nightmare but I was still stoked to see how God was going to use me. I have daydreams of having a small bible study on our friends roof up here. Watch live services from the church we go to back home and have just a small set of speakers and atleast 3 people there to hear the gospel and good worship. I am really praying that we will be able to make good strong relationships with the people that we work with to be a testimony for Christ and maybe that be the base for this new ministry. If I could see one person saved this summer, it would be worth it all but I am totally expecting God to blow my mind.

I can’t explain the hurt I feel for the people here, I am so burdened. I see thousands of people everyday...thousands of people with different faces, lives, a different eternity without Christ. I want everyone to know. I need boldness. I need to remember why I’m here. The words “Jesus loves them” has come into my mind so many times up here. When I start to judge thinking I’m so much better, I stop and think Jesus loves even them. I need the heart like Jesus, the heart that says Jesus loves you and let me show you how awesome He is.

Please pray for us to find an affordable place to stay, patience with each other, a second job, and the new people we are working with that we could build good relationships and be a strong testimony of Christ.

My Desire lyrics - Jeremy Camp lyrics

My Desire Video - Jeremy Camp Music Videos

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